Soul Searching

That afternoon we drove out to the house where the birth mother was staying.  We had a friend who also came and acted as a mediator, since neither one of us (the birth mother nor Steve or I) had done this before or knew what to do!  The birth mother brought out a tiny little boy and gave him to me to hold.  He hadn't been changed in awhile and smelled of urine and spit up.  The birth mother told us she had postpartum depression and couldn't take care of him anymore.  The woman she was staying with told us he had been neglected and underfed.  She worried for the baby's safety and had suggested the birth mother give him up for adoption.

As Steve talked to the birth mother about our individual family members, and our beliefs about family, I held the baby.  He looked up at me intently, his eyes never leaving mine.  I felt as if he was trying to tell me something.  We looked at each other for a long time and I felt a strong desire to take care of this baby and a strong connection to him.  I felt that he was trying to make me understand that he needed help and a family to love him.  Steve also held the baby and was immediately overcome with emotion.  He knew immediately that this was his son.
At the suggestion of the mediator, the birth mother told us we could take the baby overnight to 'babysit' and see how things worked out.  We made an appointment to meet with her the next day, which was a Sunday.

We were given a car seat, a few items of clothing, some formula, and some diapers.  As we drove away Steve and I looked at each other and at the baby, amazed at how things had turned out.  We stopped at Target on the way home because we had nothing for a little baby.  Our youngest at the time was 9 years old!  We hadn't needed diapers in awhile!!  We picked up diapers, some more formula, some onesies, diaper ointment and wipes.

When we got home we gave the baby a bath and all the kids gathered around to take turns holding him.  He hadn't made a sound since the moment we met him and drank all of the bottles we fed him.  He gazed at each person who held him with that same soul-searching gaze, as if he was trying to tell them something.  He slept well that night but I didn't!  He would not cry when he was hungry so I kept waking up to see how he was doing and to feed him.

We called our friend, Sarah, and she was amazed at how things had worked out but told us to contact her adoption attorney, Mary Jensen.  She told us Mary was wonderful and would know exactly what to do. (She was right, Mary is not only an amazing attorney, but she loves doing adoptions and had great insight into children and their adoptive families.  She is a kind, generous and loving person who worked so hard for us-going the extra mile when necessary and walking us through the whole process with her positive attitude.  We love her!)    Mary met us Sunday at the house where the birth mother was staying and started immediately on the paperwork and history with the birth mother.

The friend who was our mediator went and picked up the baby's birth father, who was living in Provo, and brought him to the house as well.  Mary talked to him about his responsibilities for the baby, both financial, temporal, and emotional.  He had a hard time letting go of the baby, even though he was unable to provide or care for the baby.  He was homeless and had recently lost a second job.  He also had problems with alcohol addiction and drugs.  After talking to the birth mother and Mary, he signed away his rights to the baby.  He loved the baby and decided that this was the best thing for him.

The mother who owned the house and had taken in the birth mother had some home teachers who stopped by to visit.  They and Steve gave both the birth mother and the birth father a blessing.  The Spirit was very strong in the room.

The mother and birth mother packed up the remaining baby items in a box and we then headed home.  It was a dreamlike feeling.  I had to keep looking at the baby to make sure it was all real.

When we got home we started brainstorming names with the kids.  They made a list and we voted on it.  Although Jaxson really wanted 'Percy Jackson Clubb', we decided on Deklan Reese Clubb.  'Deklan' in honor of our Irish heritage and the birth mother's Irish heritage, and 'Reese' for my dad.